Touche', Universe, Touche'

Touche' Universe!!! Just as I think "Why, Universe, Why me?" "Poor Me"

I have been only thinking of myself lately, and for that I apologize. I feel guilty for not taking the time to see what other people in my life could be going through. 

I have been worrying about my family, my life, my job, my kids, me, me, my, mine. 

In all that worrying about me and what I want and what works best for me, I lost sight of others. 

Everyone bears their crosses. You never know what someone has been through or is going through.  People make assumptions about others behaviors that may not be accurate. People are quick to judge. People are not quick to apologize, show compassion for others. Think of others. Do for others. 

The Universe/God/whomever you see as a significant higher power, is there for us. The universe is fair and just. We must be compassionate for others. Sit and watch and wait. Be patient. It is not always our "turn". This is a lesson my Mother has been trying to teach me and show me, but this latest experience has let me live it. And I am so grateful for that. 

We all want to be heard, loved, and be shown compassion and understanding of us.  

We can only control ourselves, we can't control anything else in the universe. Go with the flow, look for beauty in all things. Be grateful for the gifts we are given, for what we already have. Yes, we all have good days and bad days. It is easy to stay in your own little world. But try to be open to others. Take a step back, take a deep breath. Look at the world around you. God is in all things. Plants, a butterfly that may pass you, a flower that has newly bloomed. Find peace and comfort and nature. In yoga, it is said that the first ray of light to come up is the most powerful of the day. It is when we are all starting over, even the planet. If you pray/meditate/observe while watching this, you will absorb the earths energy, the openness, the goodness, a new day, a new chance. 

My Mother has always said "be the tree". And now I see what she means 

Look at a tree. Be the tree. A tree is there. Going with the flow of the wind. Absorbing the rain. Accepting what is. The tree is here, in the now. 

Of course, this is easier said than done, but every second of every day is an opportunity to do something different, to change one thing. All we have is now, this second, this moment. We never know when our time is up. What will you do to make every second count? 

Thank you so much Mother!!

And to the universe, I say again, touche', well played. Thank you for showing me what is. 

Sooo tired of it all, but I will never stop for them

I am simply exhausted. I'm so tired of speech, occupational, feeding ,and behavioral therapy. I am so tired of progress reports, meltdowns, dinner rules, food goals, z vibes, crying.  I am so tired of the driving back and forth across town every single morning. I am tired of practicing the "l", "r", sounds. I am so tired of reward charts, therapist meetings, and thinking of what the future holds. I am so tired of wondering, of worrying, of waiting, of wanting more for my son.

I sometimes envy the parents that just get to bring their kid to a "normal" school in the morning, and not having therapy. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I just do. The big guy goes to an all day ABA "school". IT is set up like a pre-school, but run by behavioral therapists. They have now developed a Kindergarten program he will do next year. Baby bear goes to a "typical" child care center.

The big guy has been giving me a run for my money lately, and this is so hard, this is so tiring. The meltdowns have been more frequent and more violent. I worry about how this affects baby bear, but he is the big guys biggest fan, and wants to console him so badly. Baby bear isn't scared of anything. I know he understands his big brother needs him and he tries so hard to get close to him. We all do.

I also know that God gave me a child that is so very special, the big guy. A child who could read at 2. A child that can spell better than most adults. A child who really has made amazing progress since we started speech at 16 months old. A child who makes me laugh, way more than I cry. A child that puts in more hours at "work" (therapy) than lots of adults do at 5. A child who's smile can brighten any day and a laugh that is simply infectious. A child that is mine, some women never get that. A child who is the best snuggler in the world, and is learning to hug, which I know he will master. A child that made me cry the first time I heard "mommy" at three and a half. A child who is simply perfect, in his very own way. But I am tired.

OF course, I was also given a very special baby bear. He thinks the big guy hing the moon. He has the biggest smile I have ever seen. He has more compassion and love for all he meets.
 Baby bear is in speech twice a week and is still very behind his peers. He does not show signs of autism, but a serious speech delay. He continues to improve every therapy session.

 I am so very grateful for my sons, but I am tired.

 I have been blessed to be able to get them all the therapy they need, but I am tired.

I feel awful for being tired, but I am.

I will never stop doing everything and anything for my boys to help them have the best life possible. I will keep up with all the therapies, the reward charts, the meetings, the evals, you get the picture :) I will continue to do my best to stay calm during the rough times and take care of them the best way I know how to. There is nothing in the world I would not do for my boys, but I am tired.

They are my wonderful angels, but I am tired. I am tired and I will never stop doing for them.

a lesson for us all

Autism never goes away...a reminder

I am most likely not saying anything new here to other parents with a child has autism. It can be soooooooooooo f-ing hard to have a child with Autism. Today's meltdown is one I haven't seen in a while. A reminder that it never goes away. With all the progress we have been making, I forget, Autism does not go away. Behaviors can improve, speech can improve, social skills can improve, but Autism never goes away.

My husband has been gone for 6 days for work, he comes home tonight. He works 80-100 hours a week, when he is home. Thank goodness for nannies that help me through the evenings.

this weekend has been especially trying. I give a very big bow to all single parents with a child with Autism!!!

Today's tantrum started like any other for a 5 year old boy. Boy asks for skittles for breakfast, mom says no, boys keeps asking/whining, you get the point. I gave him donuts, probably the same thing anyway. All day, it has been a day of the wills. He has won. I called a nanny of ours to PLEASE COME HELP ME, I had to leave. It's been a year or so since it got that bad, I can usually handle a lot. I am at work, on a Sunday.

the tantrums started escalating and becoming more frequent. and then there it was, hit us both like a ton of brinks. the meltdown. the kicking, screaming, biting, rage full and fearful eyes all at the same time, body flailing, throwing everything in sight, breaking things, red faced, pulling the curtains down meltdown. I tried every trick in the book that normally works for the Big Guy, but today, they went to no avail. I feel so helpless myself, watching your child be scared of himself because you see he can't stop, even if he wanted to.  The terror and fear I can see in his eyes is the most difficult part of it all. I left in the middle of it all, I don't know if that was right or wrong, but I could not do it anymore. The nanny that is there is great with him. After three hours of the full blown meltdown, I got a text from her that said it was over. I am dreading going home and having him pick up all that he threw and broke.

this was not the first, and it will most likely not be the last, meltdown. but this one is now over. I am so very grateful for that. autism never goes away.

I adore my son and have done everything in my power to help him since his first speech session at 16 months. I will continue to do everything I can to make him happy and progress. but it gets so hard, and it never goes away

Happy Friday!!!

Happy Friday!! We get french fries after school on Fridays. The big guy and baby bear are really excited! I got the big guy and new lunch box with a rocket ship on it, I had no idea he would be that elated! I also got  him teddy bear shaped freeze bags to keep his things cold, he may love those more. He couldn't wait to show his friends and teachers!

I had a sitter last night while I went to fund-raiser dinner. It was the big guy's nanny from about a year ago. She went off and got married after she graduated college. We haven't seen her in about a year, she couldn't believe the progress that the big guy has made!!! So awesome to have someone notice all his progress since they haven't seen him in a while.

My husband is supposed to come home from a business trip today, the boys and I miss him lots. He won't get home until the boys are asleep, but they will be glad to wake him up in the morning!

Have a great weekend everyone!

AUTISM DADDY: This Year's Vacation: Ahhh, Only Autism & Epilepsy To Worry About...

AUTISM DADDY: This Year's Vacation: Ahhh, Only Autism & Epilepsy To Worry About...

Applying for Kindergarten....Again

I started yesterday, the dreaded time will be over in hopefully less than 6 months. The time where I have had to wait and see if the big guy can get into a mainstream school. Last year we applied to all the schools we could, he did not get into ANY school for Kindergarten. Thankfully, we found a full time ABA program that he has been in since March of this year. The big guy turned 5 just last month, so next year, he HAS to go to Kindergarten.

My heart broke in a thousand pieces at each meeting with the school on why he didn't get in. It was horrible. All the schools we applied to have "testing". Really, a 30 minute observation of about 5 kids in a classroom, and what happens. Can they follow directions? Will they sit in circle? Can they pay attention to the task at hand? Evidently, last year, my big guy, could not.

We are very hopeful now that another year has gone by, he has improved so much socially, that he will get into a mainstream school. The region we live in has a terrible public school system, so we are sending the boys to private schools. The public school system one parish away, is pretty amazing. I have seen their autism programs, they are quite impressive.

His friends that he has known since he was a baby are our friends kids. They all went to the same daycare. Travis was asked to leave when he was 2. They all are still at the same school, in the same classes.
He is becoming aware that he doesn't go to the same schools that his friends do. His friends are starting to ask why he doesn't go to school with them anymore.

He has made lots of new friends at his ABA program. They are awesome, and its been great getting to know their parents.  How will he do leaving them?

I guess we all have to go through transitions, I just want this one to be easy :)

Off to the witching hours.....

About to go get the kids from school, training a new nanny to help me in the afternoons since my husband works about 80 hours a week. It's tough letting someone new in your world. How will they handle a meltdown? What if she gives the big guy the wrong cup? What if both boys cry until bathtime because its just one of those days? Is baby bear's asthma better, can she handle it? Can she take care of both of them even though they like to do different activities? The usual "what ifs". I have been fortunate to find some great help, this one is working so far:) Hope you all have an easy "witching hour(s)"!! Ours is 5pm-7pm. Both boys are tired from school, hungry, fussy, and both want my undivided attention; its a thin slice of heaven.  I'm sure you know the drill :)

me and my guys

I am a working mother of 2 very special boys. I have been married for 7 years and I am 35 years old. This is our story. This is our world. I hope to share information that comfort others. I hope to make parents not so afraid of the "a word" diagnosis. I called Autism the "a-word" while we were waiting on our diagnosis, but I knew had autism. We have been through lots and learn more every day, I hope you can benefit from sharing our journey :)


 "Big Guy" is 5, has Autism, Apraxia, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Auditory Processing Disorder.
He was born after 3 days of labor complicated by meconium aspiration and an emergency c-section. He immediately was intubated in NICU. I had complications from my c-section and could not go see him. I met him 2 days later. He spent 3 days in NICU and then 2 days in comfort special care, then finally the last night in the hospital, he got to sleep in my room. I knew something was different about 9 months. Minimal eye contact, no babbling, he cried almost 24 hours a day. I just thought I had a fussy baby. By his 15 month visit, we decided to get him in speech therapy. He started at 17 months. Over the years, we have added occupational therapy, speech therapy, feeding therapy, and ABA therapy. He said his first word at 3- "yati"- it was his "mommy" :) He is hyperlexic and is extremely bright. He has made progress I never thought he would. We have him in a full day ABA therapy school along with his other therapies. He continues to progress.

"Baby Bear" is 2. He is neuro-typical, but does have a speech delay. He was ready to come to this world early! My water broke at 30 weeks, I was able to hang on until 32 weeks, when he was born. I got to meet him the day after I had him in the morning. He spent 30 days in the NICU. He is in a neuro-typical school and meeting all other milestones. He is rough and tough, but the sweetest little bear ever. He loves the big guy most in the world, the feeling is not always mutual. He goes to speech twice a week.

Welcome!

Thank you so much for visiting my blog! Welcome! I hope you enjoy my stories of raising my two boys, 5 and 2.