I am simply exhausted. I'm so tired of speech, occupational, feeding ,and behavioral therapy. I am so tired of progress reports, meltdowns, dinner rules, food goals, z vibes, crying. I am so tired of the driving back and forth across town every single morning. I am tired of practicing the "l", "r", sounds. I am so tired of reward charts, therapist meetings, and thinking of what the future holds. I am so tired of wondering, of worrying, of waiting, of wanting more for my son.
I sometimes envy the parents that just get to bring their kid to a "normal" school in the morning, and not having therapy. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I just do. The big guy goes to an all day ABA "school". IT is set up like a pre-school, but run by behavioral therapists. They have now developed a Kindergarten program he will do next year. Baby bear goes to a "typical" child care center.
The big guy has been giving me a run for my money lately, and this is so hard, this is so tiring. The meltdowns have been more frequent and more violent. I worry about how this affects baby bear, but he is the big guys biggest fan, and wants to console him so badly. Baby bear isn't scared of anything. I know he understands his big brother needs him and he tries so hard to get close to him. We all do.
I also know that God gave me a child that is so very special, the big guy. A child who could read at 2. A child that can spell better than most adults. A child who really has made amazing progress since we started speech at 16 months old. A child who makes me laugh, way more than I cry. A child that puts in more hours at "work" (therapy) than lots of adults do at 5. A child who's smile can brighten any day and a laugh that is simply infectious. A child that is mine, some women never get that. A child who is the best snuggler in the world, and is learning to hug, which I know he will master. A child that made me cry the first time I heard "mommy" at three and a half. A child who is simply perfect, in his very own way. But I am tired.
OF course, I was also given a very special baby bear. He thinks the big guy hing the moon. He has the biggest smile I have ever seen. He has more compassion and love for all he meets.
Baby bear is in speech twice a week and is still very behind his peers. He does not show signs of autism, but a serious speech delay. He continues to improve every therapy session.
I am so very grateful for my sons, but I am tired.
I have been blessed to be able to get them all the therapy they need, but I am tired.
I feel awful for being tired, but I am.
I will never stop doing everything and anything for my boys to help them have the best life possible. I will keep up with all the therapies, the reward charts, the meetings, the evals, you get the picture :) I will continue to do my best to stay calm during the rough times and take care of them the best way I know how to. There is nothing in the world I would not do for my boys, but I am tired.
They are my wonderful angels, but I am tired. I am tired and I will never stop doing for them.
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