I want a large cherry snowball with vodka please....

Today is the last day of swim lessons.... THANK GOODNESS! Travis has been more scared each day to go to swim lessons. I have tried it all to make him not so afraid. I've asked his friend in the class to tell him its ok, told his coach he was scared, promised McDonald's, promised no bath (technically he did get in water), you get the idea. Today is the last day and he gets a BIG present today for completing swim lessons and being so brave! He is fine once he goes to the pool with the coach and is usually smiling when its over.

Yesterday was especially rough. I had both boys by myself for Travis' swim lessons. While making sure Townes didn't run in the parking lot, I had to physically pry Travis out of the back seat. No one wanted to walk on their own, Travis is flailing and cursing, I dropped my diet coke, and I had 2 huge bags with everyone's stuff in it hitting me in the back and Townes in the face. A big hot mess just trying to make each step toward the building.

We finally get to the bathroom to change Travis. I told him if his coach didn't make him swim, then he did not have to. I knew that Coach would make him get in the water, but this trick worked to at least get him in his swim trunks.

I get Travis off to his swim class with minimal tears from him, as huge crocodile tears are welling up in my eyes. I pick up Townes and head for the snowball stand in the parking lot. I ordered one for each of us. I asked for extra juice and a few shots of Vodka in mine, the teenager behind the counter had no idea what to say! "Are you for real ma'am?" asks the scared fifteen year old boy. "Yes, if you have some, but no, if you don't", I say with a half grin on my tear stained face. I of course then told him I was kidding, sort of, and handed him a large tip with the cash for the snowballs. Townes and I go to eat our snowballs on the picnic tables. His big belly and even bigger smile is soon covered in red snowball.  He is being his usual silly self and trying to climb up the walls of the building. It was one of the sweetest things I'd seen all day. And all was right in the world.

One more day, we can all do it! This time I may bring my own vodka, just kidding! Sort of :)

Mad hatter quote..

The Sun is Rising..,,

It's been raining for weeks in my part of the world. Today happens to be the sunniest day  

I've seen in awhile. 

I know lots of us are really excited the sun has finally come out!! But some people still have clouds hanging over them. 

Remember everyone is fighting their own battles. Be kind. Let the guy over in 

traffic, but the person behind you in Starbucks their coffee, hold the door open for the next person, or just give a stranger a smile, it may be the only one they get today.

A song by the same name has really touched me lately. I have listed the lyrics here. And yes, the sun is rising. 

SONG LYRICS

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning 

And you don't if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see 

And the sun is rising

And the sun is rising
Sun is rising
And the sun is rising 

 Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping 

Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it 

The night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see 

The sun is rising

And even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

The sun is rising
The sun is rising
Just look beyond the clouds
The sun is rising
The sun is rising 

 Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

The sun is rising 

The sun is rising yeah
The sun is rising ooh oh
Yeah yeah 

 Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds 

 Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Writers: INGRAM, JASON / MUCKALA, DAN / NICOLE, BRITT

Copyright: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Lyrics Licenced & Provided By LyricFind

The Therapy Center Waiting Room..

"Where everybody knows your name"....queue Cheers' theme song music !!

We have been going to the same therapy center for about four years. The staff knows us pretty well. They have seen Travis grow from a non-verbal little toddler to a very grown up five year old. Most of them saw my pregnancy with Townes, his delivery, and have watched him to grow up to be not such a baby anymore, Godzilla.

Besides the great staff, there are the other parents in the waiting room. The boys and I are there four days a week for at least thirty minutes, but usually for an hour. The other parents and I are all there; waiting, waiting for our child or children, to come bouncing, or crying, out of therapy and to hear the day's events and skills worked on. Even if we have never said a word to each other, we all know what it is like, and we can even just give "the look" to other parents when our kids are having meltdowns or running around screaming and throwing things. Everyone understands, its okay, and we all try to help each other.

That time in the waiting room has become very precious to me. I have met lots of friends in the waiting room. Some are not there anymore and some are new. We know each others schedules almost better than our own. We get each other coffee, text funny things, and sad things.  We can talk for that time about our kids, or not about our kids. From insurance claims, meltdowns, husbands, work, school, to just a funny joke or meme we found on Facebook.

Other parents like me, have to bring their little one when the older child has therapy. We help each other entertain all the kids, share iphones and ipads to keep them busy. We watch each others  kids just to go to the restroom to make sure they don't run out of the front door. Its a great comroderie I really enjoy. We all work together. We leave each other  with the rest of the day to go, since we leave at 8:45am at the latest. Wishing everyone the best of luck and help wrangle running kids to the cars, I leave each day happy that I had that time. It's nice to be in a place, "Where everybody knows your name"....

Mental Monday- Don't Forget to Take Care of You!

Mental illness does not necessarily mean a person running down the street naked screaming "I am an orange!" Mental illness is a very broad label for everything from temporary mild depression, like the "baby blues" or loss of a pet, to the person claiming to be an orange.

It is not a BAD thing. They are also illnesses that you can not see. This makes it even harder for people to "see" it and allow those that need treatment, seek it. There is a stigma about people who have poor mental health. They are "crazy", "lazy", "dramatic", and "they are just over reacting".  There is no shame in needing therapy or even medication to help you in these times. It does not mean you are weak, it means that you are strong enough to seek help when you need it. 

A study was done in the past few years that parents of children on the autism spectrum have the same stress level as a combat soldier. They are both huge jobs that take a lot out of you, but you need to take care of you to take care of others. You do not have to be a parent of a special needs child to feel immense stress!! I'm sure that's no secret to any of you :)

I have dealt with this personally at least since Travis was born. I have taken and am on medication. I go to therapy every week. I know how hard it can get, how dark things can look, and how hopeless you can feel. They are terrible feelings. Feelings that I could only deal with in therapy and with medication.

No one is a super hero. We all need help from other people, hence the phrase, "It takes a village". Literally, that is how babies were taken care of long ago. Families had huge support systems and everyone helped.

Today, take care of you. Whatever that means; exercise, sleep, watch tv, take a long bath, take deep breaths, a moment of silence, you get the picture. Recharge your battery. Seek help if you need it!!

I have attached an article on some quick and helpful stress relieving solutions. Be well:)

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/autism-659236-parents-tip.html

Super Soul Sunday

Today is about Gratitude for me.

I am grateful for my friends, family, and all of the blessings bestowed upon us. It is not always easy to see the blessings, sometimes they look more like curses. Beyond the light, beyond the struggle, beyond the tears, you are able to see the blessings. Sometimes all you can see is the dark, but there is light, you just have to wait for it. "This too shall pass" is a sentence I try to remember in these times.

And it does pass, the sun always comes out, and it always gets better. Maybe not exactly as fast as we hope, but it always comes. It always gets better.

I am so thankful for the support I receive. I could not do this alone. I am thankful for every babysitter, family, and friends that have helped us get a break, enjoy a night out, or least get one kid down from the ceiling while I get the other one crying off  the floor.

I am thankful to be able to help others. Along this journey, you meet people on different parts of the path. Some have just started, some are in shock or disbelief, and some are way ahead of you. I remember the beginning, and it was hard, really hard. It is very rewarding to now be able to spot a newbie from across the room and ask if they need help. :)

THANK YOU to everyone that is a part of my life, helped me, comforted me, and let me know I am not alone. I am eternally grateful for all of the gifts and blessings in my life.

The Not So Great Days....

Yes, its been one of those days. I am thankful that they happen less often than they used to, but its been of those days. The days where no kids listen, they laugh at your requests, totally ignore the rules, you threaten everything in the book to take away, time out, the works. You give more attention, try distraction, re direct, referee the fights, positive reinforcement, and candy rewards. Nothing.

The kind of day that you think will never end. It rained a lot today. So after the storm, I let the boys run through the puddles and play in the mud. Even then, that only entertained them for so long. They normally will play all day in muddy puddles, but not this day.

This is the day full of "no", "I said don't do that", "Pleeassse don't do that", "I MEAN IT",, "okay fine, but just for five minutes" (out of pure desperation); they hear- wha wha wha wha- straight out of Charlie Brown's teacher. So I'm left with deep breaths, counting to ten, knowing this is just part of children and they aren't doing this to make you cry.

I am beyond blessed to have help on the weekends, and even then, it was one of those days. They wanted "mommy to do it". I've spent more time than usual with the kids this week with swim lessons, so I thought for sure, they would give Mommy a break today. So it can't be they haven't had enough time with me.

 Some days parents patience is low because of all the other things going on in our lives. Sometimes the Xanax doesn't feel as strong as it did yesterday. We have other concerns- money, bills, school, chores, career, rest, me time, cooking, etc. Its a tough balancing act that constantly needs adjusting.

The day is coming to a close and I still hear "Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, Mommy , Mommy, Mommy" in the background. They are tearing up boxes as we try to organize and put clothes away that no longer fit. Trying my best to write blog (my therapy for the day), and meet their needs. Bath time comes soon, and then bed time. I am counting the seconds.

For everyone who is having or has had these days, the days do end...eventually. The good days far outweigh  the bad. The children are more well behaved than non well behaved days. They mean no harm. They are just children. It is extremely hard to remember these things in the moment when they have colored the walls, thrown food on the floor, screaming "no" at you, and the million other things children do as just, children.

Praying for all of us that bedtime magically comes sooner than expected. I wish you a good nights sleep for you and your children. These days are fewer than more, and this too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day for new beginnings. Sweet dreams to all.

French fry Friday!

Happy French Fry Friday!

We have made it to today. Its been a long standing tradition for little Travis to get McDonalds/
Chic fil A/what ever place he likes at the time, for a kids meal with extra french fries on Friday. Townes really loves this as well:) It is something he knows is coming every week for all of his hard work- a plus for Travis. Plus for Mommy-I do not have to cook on this day, except microwave Travis' french fries that he will ask to be re-heated at least 10 times. At least he is eating the fries now as oppose to using the fries as a vehicle for ketchup. We have come a long way since then. He now eats the nuggets and the apples too!! Its the little things that make a big difference.

Swim lessons for the week are over. Travis did amazing yesterday, despite his initial fear. His coach said he is really coming along. He was so proud yesterday when he told me he conquered his fear that day! Yes my love, you conquer your fears everyday. You are the bravest person I know.  You deserve every single french fry, even mommy's, that are the exact same as the ones I bought you. Not sure why mine are so appealing, but on a Friday afternoon, whatever keeps the peace!! At least he doesn't take my wine to wash them down. :)

We have all made it to today. Somehow, someway, we have made it. Enjoy your day. Pat yourself on the back, and yes, you can have extra french fries too.

Holding Your Breath.....

Today was Parent/Teacher Conference Day for Travis.

     I've been to these meetings more times than I can count. I have asked and been asked more questions than I have answers for.  What has happened now? Has he improved? What's the outcome going to be? Will he go to a regular school? Is he still throwing desks when he gets mad? How many services do you think we qualify for? What can I do? How do I help my son?
     Some therapists and teachers, I even have their email and personal cell phone numbers for the many times I have called in tears asking what the "f" do I do with this behavior (or lack of behavior)? Begging them for any magic potion, newest book, website, doctor, sticker chart, routine, a reinforcer that he responded to, trick, new therapy method, more therapy, anything to help my son. I would've walked to China, climbed the highest tree, brought him the magic leaf, said the alphabet backwards, on one foot, every other Tuesday, at midnight, eating frozen tofu if it would help Travis. If I could hear him say one word, any word. If they could help me keep him calm and bring some peace to my sweet son.
       I will never forget the first "progress"meeting. It was with his first speech therapist, Elizabeth. She was so sweet, the most gentle voice, and had a way with Travis I can only describe as angelic to watch. I could tell she wanted to tell me something and was searching for the sweetest coat of sugar to wrap around it. I went in the meeting so excited of news I knew I would hear, "He's doing amazing! It was just ear infections, his speech is going come soon." That was not the sentence I received. Travis was going to need more therapy than just once a week for thirty minutes. The goals she had set seemed so simple, of course he could do that by next week. Be able to label five things by pointing? Of course, he will do that!! He did not and could not. I realized we had a longer road than I had anticipated. The trip to Holland instead of Paris (Google it, great story).
     Meeting after meeting, quarter after quarter,  doctor appointments, therapist evaluations, psychological evaluations--I held my breath on what they would say and how I would handle it. I learned to cope better with the help of Prozac, no shame in needing help. If you had diabetes, you would taken insulin, wouldn't you? We started our journey on our Autism road that led us here; to this meeting, to this moment, about four years after the first one.
          Even now, this morning, I held my breath walking into the meeting. Exchanging hellos and normal niceties with Travis' teachers, I was still holding my breath for what they would say. Things have been going well since the beginning of the quarter, and I knew that walking in, but I still held my breath. Travis' teachers had very good things to say about Travis and his progress. He still has a ways to go in emotional regulation, among other things; but all in all, a great meeting. He is progressing well.
          Today is Travis' last day of swim lessons for the week. We start again on Monday. Today they will practice holding their breath and going under water more. Of course, Travis and I learning together, how to hold our breath, and when to exhale. These exhales for me are more than welcomed. I know they are for Travis too.  There have been many long inhales. From and for my Travis, we can both learn the best ways and times to hold your breath.

My love of the drive thru car wash

   Sometimes, life is hard, messy, and downright hard to handle. All day there are expectations, obligations, and deadlines. With the internet and smart phones, every thing is a click away. We are bombarded with input and expected output on a constant basis. All of us almost need clones to keep up with family, work, self care, friends, kids, household, hobbies, and anything else we try to cram in to daily life. While I can not solve all these problems for either of us, I do have a simple break that may help. The drive thru car wash.
      I turn my phone off, turn off the radio, turn off Mickey Mouse blaring from the back seat that I've been meaning to do since I dropped the kids off. I put the car in neutral and let the auto car wash take over my car for me. I close my eyes and take a very mini vacation.
       Its about five minutes of my own little thunderstorm oasis. Starts off a nice soap drizzle of relaxation and then comes to a roar when the cleaning flaps hit the car for a good scrub. I always opt for the tire wax or whatever other add ons that really don't do anything  just to get a few more minutes in my personal amazing sound machine. The blower on the car is my sign it's almost over and I'm so grateful for my new found sense of peace and calmness. It's cheaper than talk therapy and it's just a nice break from everything going on that day. They are pretty easy to find and relatively inexpensive. I sometimes get them consecutive days; I have even gone through while it's raining just to get the break. I've gotten some pretty strange looks from the gas station employees asking for the deluxe car wash in a downpour.

      So far, it's been one wash this week. Travis is still protesting swimming lessons, but he goes with his coach with little resistance. His coach says he's doing well and getting over his fears. I've remembered the courage water and he gets daily treats after class for more incentive. 

       Townes is still too young for class with just a coach. We do "mommy and me" classes. He's by far the oldest and biggest and most rambunctious! He's the class clown and constant entertainment. He more than willingly jumps off the side to me, puts his head in the water, and blows bubbles. He's hanging on the swimming lane ropes and marching to his own drum. 

        God sure knew what he doing when he gave me Townes. A gentle giant with a heart of gold, and a love for his older brother like I've never seen before. If anyone ever messes with Travis, they better watch out! Townes will make sure it never happens again. He brings Travis his milk, his lovies, and always wants to sit with him. Townes will always protect his "Twavis":)
       I'm hoping you all have a "one wash" rest of the week. If you never tried it, I highly suggest it. It may not solve how to hell to fit in a last minute trip to the store to get items to complete the project your child told you about five minutes before bed, but it may take the edge off. If not, go to the store that sells wine too:) 

Me or the pot roast?

     Today, I am  making a pot roast. For most people, this is a simple dinner to cook for family. "Set it and forget it" they said. "Just throw meat and veggies with some water and wait 8 hours they said". For some reason, me and the roast can't get it together. I've ruined at least 10 pot roasts in a crock pot. I follow the instruction to a tee, and 8-10 hours later, we have a large piece of dry rubber to eat.                Thank goodness for the pizza rule! If I cook something and it's terrible, no hard feelings, I'll try another day, and we have pizza. I made sure to buy some frozen pizzas along with my roast this morning at the grocery store. So here I am, trying again. Is it going to be me or the roast? I'll let you know in about 6 hours. Smells good so far.

     This roast has a little more meaning to me. I'm trying again. I've failed at this several times, and I'm trying again. This is no business venture and do not have a ton to lose, but the feeling is the same. I've recently decided to try lots of things again. This blog, my paintings, my feelings about large chain grocery stores.  Trying again. 

       For my little Travis, he's been discouraged lately and hasn't wanted to keep trying. That child works harder than most adults I know. For four and a half years, we go to therapy almost every morning followed by eight hours of school at a therapy center. He keeps telling me he's tired, he doesn't want to do all this work anymore. Of course I've tried the usual "we all do things we don't want to do..,blah....blah...blah", it's not working so well. But, after we have a little talk and we go to therapy and school anyway, he tries again. He fights it sometimes, but he always tries again. He has come so far because he never stops trying. Some days are harder than others. My Travis- he always beats the pot roast. 

                             Today, and all days, you can beat the pot roast. 

                         I did not think I could learn from a pot roast either!!

Courage Water

     Today was the first day of swim lessons for both kids. My Travis was a little scared and I forgot the "courage water".  More about that in a sec, to distract him, I asked about the planets and solar system- his new favorite topic right now. He asked me if I could name the dwarf planets- I guessed Mercury and Mars- nope. I was firmly corrected by my 5 year old on what they were. I of course had to Google it to see if it was right. It was, of course, as always. Travis-1, Mom-0 :) He did calm down  though. He told me a million other facts that of course I didn't know about our solar system as we parked in the pool parking lot.
        Side note- trick I learned from Travis' therapist- Travis had pink eye and we have to do eye drops twice a day. Of course, he fought me the first morning, and I brought the drops to occupational therapy to see if he would let her do it. She is magic, I am convinced. He didn't want her to do the drops either, so she got him "courage water"! Just cold water from the water cooler and put in a cup (that he did not see) and told him it was courage water. He drank the water, and no problem, let her put the drops in!!!! We have used "courage water" ever since. We have a special cup and I just fill with super cold water.
      So, I forgot the courage water. Luckily, there was a pair of shark goggles I could buy and called them super shark goggles that happened to match his favorite shark towel! The stars were aligned!
He went back with his teacher just fine to the pool by himself. After class, he said it was a bit scary, but I promised I would remember the courage water tomorrow. That child has taught me so much, we all need a little courage water sometimes :)
    Until next time, take care of you and the ones you love.

I'm baaaack....

It's been a while. It's been a tough road these last 6 or so months. But I'm back. I'm back to share our story. I'm back to hopefully make your journey a little easier or at least to make each other laugh! 

Little Travis is back too;) has hasn't been sleeping very much these last weeks. Last night he woke up at 1:30am 

(as did I ); and we are both still up. The night before, 2:30 am seemed an appropriate time for his internal alarm clock to go off. Awesome. We are working on adjusting his schedule, but the more often this happens; I realize, this is how God made him. We can adjust melatonin and bedtimes, sound machines, night lights, black out shades, the works. He easily has nicer bedding than i do to entice him to stay in his bed as long as possible at night. But, this just may be how God made him. And that is cool with me. I'll have to figure out how to make this new early bird no sleep thing work for me, I'm open for ideas;) 

Townes will sleep a bit longer, fabulous. He's doing great! Talking up a storm! Climbing everything. Already had one set of stitches. He can't wait to go to school with big brother in June. We are working on potty training to make that happen. Travis' school has a neuro-typical integrated pre-k program, Townes will be part of This new program. We are all back. 

Starting swim lessons for both boys on Monday. Autism walk and soccer game cancelled today due to rain. Travis has been saying the word "autism" more often. As ironic as this is, he pronounces it "artism". We've repeated the word back with the correct pronunciation, but he says "no, thats how I say it". 

For a child who questions everything, he has not yet asked me what "artism" is. I'm prepared to answer. "It's just how God made you. Mommy has brown hair, you have blonde hair. God gave you a little something extra. God makes us all in his light with special gifts." Beyond that, I'm speechless, so cross your fingers this is the one time in his life, he doesn't ask more;)

Have a fabulous day! Talk to you soon...